This told essay is based on a conversation with. Natalie McCarter. Edited for length and clarity.
Christmas 2018 was a blissfully normal one with my husband Ray and our two children, ages 7 and 9 at the time.
On Christmas Eve, the children wore new pajamas, a family tradition. As always, I took lots of photos and videos of the kids enjoying the evening. But unlike previous years, I told Ray to come in so I could take pictures with the kids, and he rode off singing and smiling.
That night, Ray and I stayed up late drinking wine and wrapping Christmas presents together. In the morning, we told the children that they could wake up when the sun rose. Then we all went downstairs to open our presents. Later that day, we held our annual Christmas dinner at our house. Both of our families were there.
Natalie McCarter asked her husband to take a picture with their children on Christmas Day. Provided by Natalie McCarter
we were in a very good location. Our relationship was strong, Ray had just gotten a new job at the Department of Defense, and we were living in our dream home with our kids. We never expected this to be our last vacation together.
he died two months later
Almost two months later, Valentine's Day arrived. I've always thought of this day as a consumer marketing holiday, but we celebrated with a take-out dinner and a movie on the projector. That night, Ray said we should renew our vows in honor of our 12th anniversary, which seemed a little strange since it wasn't a particularly special number of years. We invited some of our closest friends and started planning how to go on a cruise to celebrate.
The next day, I took the kids to an evening event and Ray went to a friend's house. As the kids and I were about to head home, I called Ray to check in. The call lasted 8 minutes and 36 seconds and was just an update on what was going on that day.
He concluded with “I love you, baby.” That was the last time I heard Ray's voice.
Later that night, after the kids were in bed, I tried calling and texting Ray, but he didn't respond. It was different from him. I tried not to worry and think the worst. I had already lost my mother, father, and brother. Indeed, we couldn't lose more.
I kept telling myself to just go to sleep – he would be home soon. I couldn't sleep and just lay there texting or calling him, begging him to let me know I was okay.
A little after 4am, I heard a knock on the door. It was the police, I got it, I got it. They looked at me and didn't even have to say anything. I told them to leave. I didn't want to listen to them.
Ray was hit by a drunk driver and died on his way home that night.
I support people not drinking and driving
I am now pleading with people to make safe choices on the road and to hold others accountable if they have been drinking. They put them in the car or take them home. Distractions and impairments, including alcohol as well as phones, can easily cause death or destruction while driving.
If sharing my story of loss can help other friends, partners, children, siblings, and parents, then Ray's legacy will be more than just loss, it will be light.
Natalie McCarter and her family spent their last Thanksgiving together. Provided by Natalie McCarter
For six months, I kept telling myself that this was all a nightmare and that I would wake up. I just wanted to disappear because I had lost a limb that would never come back. My children were the only ones who supported me.
As we approach another Christmas without Ray, I am so grateful to have all the video footage and photos from the last Christmas we spent with him. We will always remember Ray, but memories fade. Seeing and hearing him keeps his memory fresh.
It doesn't matter what a person looks like in the photo. No matter what happens, it is important that they are remembered. As cliché as it sounds, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
I'll take a photo. Record video.
