Our advice columnists have been hearing this phrase for years. That’s why we’re digging into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Please send it to Stoya and We’re rich here. (It’s anonymous!)
dear way,
I recently caught my 11-year-old son watching a domination and bondage video on the laptop he had at school. The machine has a content filter and is set to block sexual content, but the video was on YouTube and although it did not depict sex or nudity, the language was graphic. There was so much humiliation and humiliation towards young (adult) women that I and my spouse felt uncomfortable. After watching the Duct Tape Challenge on YouTube, he says he started watching more and more graphic bondage and domination content and realized that the videos made him feel empowered and inspired. I am very concerned that he has been caught behaving inappropriately at school, although he has not been disciplined, as he seems to be becoming more and more abusive towards his younger brother and trying to imitate things he sees on YouTube.
Looking back, I can see that he probably spent months, if not years, hiding in his room late at night watching these videos. Although he is a wonderful child who is empathetic and concerned about other people and pets, he has few friends and his social life has taken a huge hit due to the pandemic. My spouse and I have never engaged in controlling behavior, and there are certainly no similar incidents that he has encountered in our household. We are a moderate liberal family that believes in informed, safe sex education, and a healthy approach to sex education in mainstream teen education books and schools (he identifies as straight). But BDSM wasn’t something we were ready for at his age.
My question is how to keep him safe. I’m worried that he will continue to search for content even if all the computers are locked away at home. As he enters adolescence, who knows what risks he may be exposed to in person or online? I don’t know what it means to grow up with such an interest. Is it a problem for the child? Are we trying to teach him how to live with it without acting on it? Will he try to get it out of his head? Will this and his response have a negative impact on his self-esteem and psyche as an adult? And does something need to be done about our parenting? Is a therapist necessary or not the best idea? At the very least, it’s clear that our device policy needs to be even stricter than I anticipated, which would be unfair compared to his brother. If you have any book recommendations, please let me know.
—Not ready
For those who are not ready
A few years ago, I was asked a similar question and decided to take a closer look at early kink development. According to the experts I spoke to, it’s too early to “diagnose” my son with a fetish. If this were just a sexual thing, it would be worth monitoring and discussing so that your son doesn’t form an idea of what “real” sex is like based on distorted depictions in mainstream porn, but it’s not necessarily a cause for serious concern. The act of violence in the YouTube video and his subsequent actions seem to be the most indicative of the potential problems here. In the aforementioned column, J. Dennis Fortenberry, a professor of pediatrics at Indiana University, told me, “Most studies suggest that exposure to common erotic media has few long-term effects on young people, despite the many negative effects that result from such exposure. When evaluating the content of erotic media, graphic violence, rather than graphic sex, appears to have the most impact on attitudes toward sexuality and potential partners.” I’m not sure if the video your son is watching qualifies as “graphic violence” per se, but it seems to be closer to that spectrum than typical erotic media.
Sandy Wartele, a psychologist who worked in the psychology department at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs before retiring and wrote about sexual development, suggested in an email that she use her son’s inappropriate behavior at home and at school as an opportunity for further discussion. “These acts could be used as an opening to discuss how seeing bondage is affecting his attitudes, beliefs, and behavior,” she said. She did recommend counseling and said the discussions you’ve already had suggest you’re on the right track. “A warm, open, and communicative parent-child relationship is the most important way parents can counter sexual (and violent) media,” she says.
Wartere pointed to a 2018 article in The Atlantic about talking to children about pornography. (I understand that your son wasn’t looking at porn per se, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s assume he was using this material to stimulate him as if it were porn.) The problem with a lot of writing about the potentially dangerous effects of porn is that it often comes from organizations with their own conservative agendas that are less interested in sexual health and less interested in erasing a culture they find offensive, but this article seems to go beyond common sense. It’s hard to thread the needle because I think anything that feels good can be misused and abused, but the reality is that porn is a huge part of our culture and isn’t necessarily unhealthy if used appropriately. It’s really up to the user. Be wary of monolithic legislation.
As you probably know, your son may develop BDSM fantasies as he grows up and carry them out in a healthy and ethical way. Your plans should focus on his behavior and treatment of others, not his normal sexual development. Research shows that it’s impossible for you to control anyway. Good luck.
—Rich Juzwiak
from: Grandmother’s confession about her sex life throws us into chaos. (July 4, 2021).
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dear way,
I’m a 30 year old woman and have never had sex. I have crushes on both men and women, but I’m not easily attracted to them sexually, so I think I’m on the asexual spectrum. On top of that, I deal with anxiety, which flares up annoyingly every time I try to start dating. Recently, I took to a dating app to try to overcome my anxiety. Mainly because I was so horny due to the lockdown and wanted some human contact. But when I started talking to someone who wanted to meet me in person, my anxiety got so bad that I had to take medication and stopped talking to him. I think part of the reason my brain goes crazy at the idea of finally having a physical relationship is that I’ve been putting it off for so long. I also don’t think meeting people on dating apps is ideal for my mental health. I think it’s better to meet people in person and let things develop organically, but honestly, in the age of coronavirus, that seems difficult. Help!
—Excited but hesitant
Dear excited but hesitant,
It’s hard to get over the humps that we consciously avoid. Over time, they can start to look more like mountains. But I’m wondering if something else is going on. Could your reaction have something to do with past trauma that you didn’t mention? There are some things to keep in mind when understanding this. You might even consider talking to or going on dates with other aces. There are forums and apps that you can find with a Google search. Someone who knows where they come from (or May ). I agree that apps aren’t for everyone. Apps can be impersonal, encourage casual cruelty, and deny access to key elements of attraction (like the way people behave). Yes, the pandemic is raging, but things are more open now. You don’t have to look far into a meat market to find a mate, with people crammed together like cows, blowing into each other’s mouths. Take up a group hobby or sport, or join a book club. Something that puts you in front of people so you can see their humanity and they can see your humanity.
—R.J.
from: I kept my sex life a secret from my wife for years. She will be devastated if she finds out the truth.. (September 26, 2021).
dear way,
My best friend claims her husband is cheating. I told her that she should stop because I recognize that he is a really good husband who dotes on her and tries to make her happy. She basically just likes sleeping with more attractive men. To me, that doesn’t justify infidelity. Because isn’t the point of monogamy commitment supposed to mean you don’t do it?
Her husband knows about it and wants it to stop because he is heartbroken, but he can’t leave because he’s afraid he won’t get over it and this is the best situation in his life. They also fear custody issues in the event of divorce. I am having a really hard time cutting this friend out of my life forever. Because it feels like her moral compass is backwards. I really feel sorry for him and it’s hard to support her. She continues to argue that women should be allowed to have affairs as “reparation” for the history of gender politics in the world, but I just can’t agree. I think it should depend on the individual relationship and cheating is wrong unless the other person has done something to deserve it. Her husband is not. She even likes their sex life and feels “worthy” of being with another man.
I’m really at a loss as to what to do when I can’t change her mind. Should I just rip the bandaid off and shut her out of my life forever? Am I missing something or does her argument have a point?
-compensation
Dear reparations people
I haven’t heard your friend’s argument, but what you conveyed doesn’t seem promising. Your own opinion makes me pause as well. Cheating is never “natural.” Have uncomfortable conversations or leave frequently teeth But that’s to be expected, and by the way, it’s also your friendship choice.
You describe this person as your best friend, and if you lose this relationship, you think you’ll be losing something important. It seems like there are only extreme options —rip off the band aid and lock her out forever— and I think it’s worth considering less drastic measures. You can set boundaries on talking about her infidelity (both her defense and adventures) while remaining her friend and simply conversing about other topics. She may feel judged. She may agree, but you need to be careful. You can even take a break without talking for a few weeks or just send text messages.
But if her behavior is intolerable and you can’t agree to ignore it, that’s okay. We’ve all crossed the line where we struggle to respect others. You don’t need to be intimate with this woman, remain friends with her, or even meet her again. It’s completely up to you.
—Jessica Stoya
from: My best friend has completely ridiculous arguments about why it’s acceptable for her husband to cheat.. (August 10, 2021).
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My wife of 10 years and I are best friends with another couple. When the four of us got together, my friend and his wife would talk in pairs, and I would talk in pairs with his fiancee. I found a lot in common with my best friend’s girl and vice versa. A problem arose about a year ago when my wife complained that my friend’s fiance and I were texting too often. I assured her I wasn’t interested. I allowed my wife to read all the texts. Some people may have thought you were cheating.
