Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictional. Please read this story for pure entertainment only, as all attributions in this article are not authentic.
Hello Bay Area residents!
Every era of human existence has been littered with great inventions from time to time. Fire, wheels, horses, gravity, atoms, spherical planets, and a $5 footlong. Years of research and development have gone into developing these pinnacles of modern society. (Excluding the 5 Dollar Feet Long. Rest in Peace.)
Well, wait no longer! The single greatest scientific development of our generation is already here. I’m not talking about quantum computing or stem cell therapy or any of those things published in false and frankly illegible scientific journals. I’m talking about two of the greatest letters ever adorning the blue marble hurtling aimlessly through empty space.
love.
But if you’re like me, a Midwesterner who frankly cares more about his cheese cave than whatever fancy technology Californians have been whipping up lately, you might be a little perplexed, even amazed, as to how to take advantage of these exciting innovations.
Don’t worry. I was talking to some friends and they had some great suggestions about how we can use AI to make our lives easier, better, and more efficient.
generate essay ideas
Are you suffering from writer’s block? Don’t like the PWR course selection? Wish it wasn’t SLEak? Generative AI tools like ChatGPT are great for finding good directions for tackling difficult essays. Even better, your favorite grammar checker extension now uses AI to provide even better recommendations for your writing.
Recommended by: Stanford University syllabus
Concept and background art
Anyone who knows me knows that I can’t draw. I’ve been giving my mom crayons ever since I was in my crib. I have no visual art skills at all, but sometimes you just need something completely effortless and soulless to get the job done. That’s where AI can help.
Recommended by: All Signs in San Francisco
Video of Will Smith eating spaghetti
Getting new graphics cards and other rendering technology creates whales. Simple and beautiful renderings show off the sheer power packed into a tiny silicone frame. Apparently, the AI equivalent is generating videos of your favorite slapstick comedian eating a bowl of angel hair pasta.
Recommended by: Sam Altman
Estimate a person’s medical costs based on their weight
The insurance company is All included About efficiency. In other words, long before the so-called “Zoomers” were born, they realized that not working was the most efficient way to get work done. What better way to cut corners than to make all the necessary assumptions about a person’s health without them even realizing it? That way, you can determine the “most accurate” premium, cost, and coverage.
Recommended by: Unitedhealthcare Ghosts of the Past
Maximize Karshi’s profits
Kalshi is a relatively new forum where you can put money into real-world events. It’s not gambling. When you put a certain amount of currency towards the outcome of an event (Super Bowl, World Cup, Olympics, Azerbaijani presidential election, etc.), you get money proportional to the amount others bid on that outcome. It’s not gambling. Moreover, it has an incredibly positive impact on the world.
Recommender: Come on. We both know that guy.
driving
One of the biggest rites of passage in American childhood is getting your driver’s license. You go to Driver’s Ed for a few weeks and hear the guy who taught your grandparents how to drive tell you not to hit people in the car, and then you get in the car and you almost hear it. According to the state government, you deserve maximum freedom and autonomy.
Just kidding. Driving is really boring and my ankles hurt when I press the gas. I’m already struggling with cruise control. I hardly remember the traffic rules. I think it would be much better if my car mostly obeyed the traffic rules. I’m confident that a three-ton machine designed to travel at high speeds and trained in an urban environment could perfectly navigate the world outside of Palo Alto.
Recommended by: Tesla Autodrive
We hope you find this list of great AI uses useful in your daily life. I’ve certainly found a lot of great uses for AI like ChatGPT and Sora lately. And we hope you do too.
Well, I wrote a news article that revolves around an exaggerated, satirical, playful but slightly pessimistic view of some of the potential uses of AI. It is written in the style found in student publications associated with Stanford University. I made sure to highlight your company’s Midwestern identity and lack of technical expertise.
If you wish, you can also:
- Analyze like a literature professor
- Please tighten to actually submit
- Please make it more absurd
- Sharper, more risky
- To achieve a “non-AI sound” while meeting tight deadlines, incorporate more of your own style and background.
Please let me know how you can edit, revise, or rewrite your work to make the writing process as efficient as possible.
